Hi Team,
Worry time again.
I don't know how often I'll do these, but I want to give myself time to give attention to this.
I'm worried about my mum losing heaps of weight. She's skin and bones right now, and chemo's just going to make it worse.
I'm worried I'm just depressed with no consequence or reason. I cried for no reason I can remember this morning before work. I cried on my walk to work.
I'm worried about my weight. I'm worried that I'm reverting back to using food as a coping mechanism. I know I am.
I'm worried about how my mum feels, how scary it must be, what it's like to face your mortality.
So yeah, that's all for now.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
My Worry/Sadness Time
Hey Team,
It's been a while since I've posted. Not much has happened or changed since then.
For a quick catch up, the story is this:
My mum has lung cancer. Quite far along. It's metastasised into the bone. She's had one round of chemo on paclitaxel and carboplatin, the 1st three sessions showed a decrease in the size of the main mass, as well as the disappearance of some nodes. The following three sessions showed it had stabilised.
Can I just say, "stabilised" is a misleading word. It sounds so good, "Oh, you're stable". What it means is it hasn't gotten better, and it hasn't gotten worse. When it comes to cancer, lung cancer, it still means you're up fuck-street.
So she had a break for 3 months, recently went back for a CT scan, and there's a spot on her liver now, the main mass has grown again, and there are new nodes throughout the lungs.
Doctor recommends another round of chemo, this time on docetaxel. There's only a 20% chance of improvement, and it's primary intent is to stabilise.
Chemo is a fucking piece of shit. And this next round, which my mum wants to do and I support whatever she wants to do, isn't even going to improve things. It's going to make her tired, sick, lower her immune system, and it's just going to keep the cancer where it is. Hopefully.
With the latest catch up with her oncologist, my mum was investigating life expectancy. The doctor was good. He didn't sugar coat things, but didn't extinguish hope. The short of it is there's a spectrum. Given no treatment, we're looking at 3 months, but with treatment this would improve, and they can't say when she would pass with any certainty, and they wouldn't limit her life expectancy.
So now it's more real for me, and I'm worried. I've been stressing out, trying to distract myself and not think about it, but that's meant the anxiety has built and I've been cracking.
I went to something run by the Cancer Society today about strategies for coping, and they mentioned creating a balance between distraction and attention. Again, a spectrum. I tend towards the distraction. They recommended creating some time to put attention to the topic. The fear, the worries, the sadness. Allow myself to feel it so that it doesn't all bubble up at once. They mentioned writing can be one way to deal with it, and the only way I've been successful in writing is by blogging, so here we are.
This is my worry/sadness time.
Right now, the thing that hits me the most is that today, the 20th of May, is the last 20th of May my mum will experience. That last Christmas will be her last Christmas, that her birthday was her last birthday. It's possible that she'll have more, but it's unlikely. It's unlikely she'll meet her grandkids. It's unlikely she'll see me get married again.
I'm also worried about how to cope with my grandmother once she's gone. It's not a big worry, but it's there. I'm worried about how I'm going to cope once she's gone, how to continue on. I'm worried that being this worried is going to negatively impact the time I have with her. I'm worried that I'm not making the most of this time. I'm worried I haven't done enough. I'm worried about arranging her funeral. I don't know how to do that. I'm worried that I'll offend people if I don't invite them. I'm worried about my family on my dad's side. I'm worried about her accounts.
I'm almost out of time, I've got 5 minutes left.
I'm worried that eventually it won't hurt anymore. I'm worried that it will always hurt. I'm scared.
Okay, that's enough for today. I'm going to use my remaining two minutes to get a drink.
It's been a while since I've posted. Not much has happened or changed since then.
For a quick catch up, the story is this:
My mum has lung cancer. Quite far along. It's metastasised into the bone. She's had one round of chemo on paclitaxel and carboplatin, the 1st three sessions showed a decrease in the size of the main mass, as well as the disappearance of some nodes. The following three sessions showed it had stabilised.
Can I just say, "stabilised" is a misleading word. It sounds so good, "Oh, you're stable". What it means is it hasn't gotten better, and it hasn't gotten worse. When it comes to cancer, lung cancer, it still means you're up fuck-street.
So she had a break for 3 months, recently went back for a CT scan, and there's a spot on her liver now, the main mass has grown again, and there are new nodes throughout the lungs.
Doctor recommends another round of chemo, this time on docetaxel. There's only a 20% chance of improvement, and it's primary intent is to stabilise.
Chemo is a fucking piece of shit. And this next round, which my mum wants to do and I support whatever she wants to do, isn't even going to improve things. It's going to make her tired, sick, lower her immune system, and it's just going to keep the cancer where it is. Hopefully.
With the latest catch up with her oncologist, my mum was investigating life expectancy. The doctor was good. He didn't sugar coat things, but didn't extinguish hope. The short of it is there's a spectrum. Given no treatment, we're looking at 3 months, but with treatment this would improve, and they can't say when she would pass with any certainty, and they wouldn't limit her life expectancy.
So now it's more real for me, and I'm worried. I've been stressing out, trying to distract myself and not think about it, but that's meant the anxiety has built and I've been cracking.
I went to something run by the Cancer Society today about strategies for coping, and they mentioned creating a balance between distraction and attention. Again, a spectrum. I tend towards the distraction. They recommended creating some time to put attention to the topic. The fear, the worries, the sadness. Allow myself to feel it so that it doesn't all bubble up at once. They mentioned writing can be one way to deal with it, and the only way I've been successful in writing is by blogging, so here we are.
This is my worry/sadness time.
Right now, the thing that hits me the most is that today, the 20th of May, is the last 20th of May my mum will experience. That last Christmas will be her last Christmas, that her birthday was her last birthday. It's possible that she'll have more, but it's unlikely. It's unlikely she'll meet her grandkids. It's unlikely she'll see me get married again.
I'm also worried about how to cope with my grandmother once she's gone. It's not a big worry, but it's there. I'm worried about how I'm going to cope once she's gone, how to continue on. I'm worried that being this worried is going to negatively impact the time I have with her. I'm worried that I'm not making the most of this time. I'm worried I haven't done enough. I'm worried about arranging her funeral. I don't know how to do that. I'm worried that I'll offend people if I don't invite them. I'm worried about my family on my dad's side. I'm worried about her accounts.
I'm almost out of time, I've got 5 minutes left.
I'm worried that eventually it won't hurt anymore. I'm worried that it will always hurt. I'm scared.
Okay, that's enough for today. I'm going to use my remaining two minutes to get a drink.
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