Well it's been more than four years since I last posted. I literally have just stopped sobbing uncontrollably because I hate myself and I don't know how to stop hating myself.
Intellectually I know in order to get the things I want I need to show myself love, compassion and kindness, but when I'm the one that keeps fucking things up, I'm very easy to hate.
Anyway, quick summary of where things are at:
- My son is almost 5 years old now. That is absolutely fucking insane how fast time has gone...
- My wife and I are still together, which makes 6, almost 7 years now, married, and 10 years together.
- My nan is still alive, she's 91. She's a lot older. Her eyes and hearing are much worse. She refuses to wear hearing aids. She was choosing not to take her medicine earlier this year and ended up in the hospital. Her hygiene is declining. We've offered to pay for help to help her with showering or cleaning or just anything, but she refuses. I think she's feeling isolated but doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know whether suggesting a rest home would be better or worse for her at this stage.
- My wife and I bought a house up north, and we're all (nan included) living there now. That happened earlier this year. That ticks one of the items off my goals list!
- My role at work has changed significantly. I'm now leading a software development team for my organisation. I have 2 developers, 1 junior developer (who is on maternity leave), and 3 business analysts (1 of the BAs is backfilling my junior dev) reporting to me. I take a bit of a player-coach role in that I also take some of the development work. But my role also involves a bit of architecture, solution design, product ownership, scrum master, and people leadership. I'm very proud of my team, and also proud that they consider me a caring leader (anonymous company-wide survey).
But yeah, while some things change, some things stay the same, and that specifically is my self-hatred. I'm on anti-depressants too, by the way. I don't remember specifically when I started those, but it's definitely been a few years now. Today, however, my self-hatred was bought to my attention, staring me in the face, after watching the below on instagram.
I'm going to try to reframe my view of myself as the enemy, the one that fucks things up for me, to the guy that just wants a better life and needs some help. I'm gonna try and help myself, and I think the first step is to start a conversation with myself.
