About my mum

I read something that made sense. Write down everything about your loved one who passed away because as time goes on, you'll forget things.

I remember I watched Batman Begins with my mum. I had just finished an exam in town, and to celebrate we went to the movies.

Whenever me and mum went we always got a choc-top (ice cream), pop-corn and coke.

Mum loved candy crush saga and soda something saga. Facebook games. She used to send me invites until I made it abundantly clear she wasn't supposed to do that. Same with email forwards.

My mum once facebook messaged me about how I hurt her feelings. When I go back and read that it hurts so much and I hope she never felt that way again.

When I was losing weight, my mum and I were on t.v. together.

I remember when I was a kid, my mum getting so upset at me that she snapped a plate in half.

My mum tried to look after me, and protect me, so much. My dad was abusive and she tried to protect me as much as she could from him. When we went on a walk around our old neighbourhood when I was older, we talked about their relationship, and about how he would berate her infront of his family. How he hit her.

My mum became a teacher in her later years, when I went to school. I hope she knew how proud of her I was. I'm so sad her Bachelor's Degree got ripped. There was a photo we had framed that eventually became so faded, of her in her cap and gown. I need to see if I can find it.

Taking my mum on a trip to Queenstown was one of the best times in my life. I wish I could have taken her to Australia as well. She pushed herself to join in and do things. It seemed like she had fun. I wish we could go back there.

She had a way of saying things "Hiya". "Seeya". "Noice". "Love you".

I remember the way she'd stand up, walk over and hug you or kiss you. Even when she was so tired from chemo.

I wish I remembered more from growing up about her. I remember when I was a kid, we used to play "Horsey" where I would sit on her back like she was a horse.

She took me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

Her favourite drink was Bacardi and coke.

When I told her I wanted to marry my first wife, she told me she wasn't sure because she never chipped in, never helped. I got upset at her. Turned out she was right.

I love the way she laughed. It was musical. It was my favourite thing when I could make her crack up. Musical and chesty, because she would end up coughing.

God my mum was selfless. I wish I had bought her more Christmas presents. Did more for her. When I was a kid, I used to make her breakfast. A cup of coffee or a cup of tea, and marmite on toast. Carried it upstairs on a tray for her, and she loved it.

She'd take a bottle of Bacardi with her when she went around to my friend's house.

I miss her so much. I wish she wasn't gone. To sit and talk and laugh with her would be magical. To hug her, to tell her I love her, to listen to her.

She tried to start running with me, but just couldn't. But she tried to help me.

I relied on her so much. She said she always liked talking things through with me, so I hope she was able to rely on me too.

She'd smile and crinkle her face up so her eyes closed.

She'd make up phrases I'd never heard before and pass them off as an old saying. Sometimes she was right.

She appreciated anything anyone ever did for her. Anything. Getting her a glass of water meant the world to her.

Still Gone

It's been more than a month since mum passed away. It's started to become real, that she's not just on holiday, or our schedules are out of whack.

I went back to work today. I don't feel the best about it. I don't feel comfortable yet.

I don't know.

Dead

Mum passed away almost 2 weeks ago.

It doesn't seem real, at all.

It feels like I'm away on holiday or something, and I'll eventually be able to talk to her.

We scattered her ashes at her favourite place, Taupo, today.

It just doesn't seem real at all. I'm doing these things and she's not here. I know intellectually that's it, her run is over, I no longer get to see or hang out with her. But it feels like if I wanted, or if I just waited, I could talk with her.

Death is so final.

I want to ask my mum about how to look after my nan. My relationship with my mum was very open, we talked about her death and funeral and that made things quite easy as far as that goes. I knew what mum wanted and that was all I cared about. Fuck the rest. With nan, who is in her 80s, it's a different story.

I just don't know. I miss her, so much.

Pain

My mum's been in pain since 1am. It's 3am. This is now normal.

About maybe 3 weeks ago is when the biggest change happened. It happened when my mum had forgotten what had happened that day, what had happened that hour, what had happened in the last 10 minutes. She changed at that moment when she popped her head up, and said "Ooo, thank you."

I had a discussion with my mum about 5 minutes prior about Chocolate. I gave her a large chunk from a block of chocolate. She said she couldn't eat it all, so she broke it in half, and gave half back to me. She broke it in half again and started eating it and we kept watching Zodiac. 5 minutes later, she popped her head up and said "Ooo, thank you".

I asked for what? She looked confused, she had trouble finding her words, but eventually got to the uneaten half of her chocolate. I asked her if she knew where it came from, she said no. She was still chewing the chocolate she had started eating earlier. I asked her if she remembered our discussion, she looked confused, and then said yes. I asked her what we discussed, she said we talked about chocolate. She didn't remember our conversation. She couldn't remember that earlier in the day she had been taken out for coffee by her friend whom she doesn't see very often. And that she had a fall while out for coffee.

My mum hasn't gone yet, but I already miss her.

Strained Relationships

I don't know why, I just can't be fucked putting up with bullshit any more.

If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you're in, then be in. If you say you're not trying to make it about yourself... you are.

I'm trying to make my mum's remaining time as easy and painless as possible.

Don't Know When...

it happened. I don't know if there's a single time I can pin-point. I don't even remember when things changed, they just did.

One day me and my mum looked like this:

Now it's become:

And that isn't even recent.

I don't know what I'll do without my mum, but I know the day will come when she's gone. She is, legitimately, the best person I know.

Scared

The other day my partner said she can't live with my nan.

The living situation we have is me, my partner, my mum (who has cancer) and my nan. We're in a three-bedroom house.

My nan is a difficult lady to get along with sometimes. It's her personality. She's always been stand-offish. But she means well, and she is always wanting to help. Sometimes too much, and she can be too motherly, seemingly controlling but she means it to be playful/caring. She's hard of hearing and she has the telly up really loud. We had to buy her a pair of headphones so when she's in her room watching t.v. we don't hear it downstairs over the t.v. down there.

I'm not putting my nan in a resthome. She'd be all alone and I think that would kill her more than anything. The fact that she's acutely aware she is likely going to outlive her daughter must be insane. She's super independent, gets up and down stairs with no troubles. She's no burden on anyone.

My partner told me she can't live with my nan yesterday night after work. After I had bought an engagement ring. I should have held off when she told me a month ago that she was finding it difficult living with my nan. I said she could either get over it or find somewhere else to live. She seemed to get over it, until yesterday.

Now, I don't discount her feelings. I know my nan is a difficult lady to live with. Her cleanliness is a bit of a contention as well. But she's almost 80. There's no way to change her habits, I can't change her personality, and she's family. Outside of my mum, she's the only close family I have, and the way my partner is positioning this conflict seems to be a case of her or me, OR, buy/live in a home where she only has to interact with my nan on her terms.

I've bent over backwards in past relationships to meet their needs. My mum is dying, I need my family, so this time I'm being selfish.

Worry Time

Hi Team,

Worry time again.

I don't know how often I'll do these, but I want to give myself time to give attention to this.

I'm worried about my mum losing heaps of weight. She's skin and bones right now, and chemo's just going to make it worse.

I'm worried I'm just depressed with no consequence or reason. I cried for no reason I can remember this morning before work. I cried on my walk to work.

I'm worried about my weight. I'm worried that I'm reverting back to using food as a coping mechanism. I know I am.

I'm worried about how my mum feels, how scary it must be, what it's like to face your mortality.

So yeah, that's all for now.

My Worry/Sadness Time

Hey Team,

It's been a while since I've posted. Not much has happened or changed since then.

For a quick catch up, the story is this:

My mum has lung cancer. Quite far along. It's metastasised into the bone. She's had one round of chemo on paclitaxel and carboplatin, the 1st three sessions showed a decrease in the size of the main mass, as well as the disappearance of some nodes. The following three sessions showed it had stabilised.

Can I just say, "stabilised" is a misleading word. It sounds so good, "Oh, you're stable". What it means is it hasn't gotten better, and it hasn't gotten worse. When it comes to cancer, lung cancer, it still means you're up fuck-street.

So she had a break for 3 months, recently went back for a CT scan, and there's a spot on her liver now, the main mass has grown again, and there are new nodes throughout the lungs.

Doctor recommends another round of chemo, this time on docetaxel. There's only a 20% chance of improvement, and it's primary intent is to stabilise.

Chemo is a fucking piece of shit. And this next round, which my mum wants to do and I support whatever she wants to do, isn't even going to improve things. It's going to make her tired, sick, lower her immune system, and it's just going to keep the cancer where it is. Hopefully.

With the latest catch up with her oncologist, my mum was investigating life expectancy. The doctor was good. He didn't sugar coat things, but didn't extinguish hope. The short of it is there's a spectrum. Given no treatment, we're looking at 3 months, but with treatment this would improve, and they can't say when she would pass with any certainty, and they wouldn't limit her life expectancy.

So now it's more real for me, and I'm worried. I've been stressing out, trying to distract myself and not think about it, but that's meant the anxiety has built and I've been cracking.

I went to something run by the Cancer Society today about strategies for coping, and they mentioned creating a balance between distraction and attention. Again, a spectrum. I tend towards the distraction. They recommended creating some time to put attention to the topic. The fear, the worries, the sadness. Allow myself to feel it so that it doesn't all bubble up at once. They mentioned writing can be one way to deal with it, and the only way I've been successful in writing is by blogging, so here we are.

This is my worry/sadness time.

Right now, the thing that hits me the most is that today, the 20th of May, is the last 20th of May my mum will experience. That last Christmas will be her last Christmas, that her birthday was her last birthday. It's possible that she'll have more, but it's unlikely. It's unlikely she'll meet her grandkids. It's unlikely she'll see me get married again.

I'm also worried about how to cope with my grandmother once she's gone. It's not a big worry, but it's there. I'm worried about how I'm going to cope once she's gone, how to continue on. I'm worried that being this worried is going to negatively impact the time I have with her. I'm worried that I'm not making the most of this time. I'm worried I haven't done enough. I'm worried about arranging her funeral. I don't know how to do that. I'm worried that I'll offend people if I don't invite them. I'm worried about my family on my dad's side. I'm worried about her accounts.

I'm almost out of time, I've got 5 minutes left.

I'm worried that eventually it won't hurt anymore. I'm worried that it will always hurt. I'm scared.

Okay, that's enough for today. I'm going to use my remaining two minutes to get a drink.